The Curious Soul (Week 3)
"Let It Go." Princess Elsa, Frozen
No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. No surprise for the writer, no surprise for the reader. Like a piece of ice on a hot stove the poem must ride on its own melting. A poem may be worked over once it is in being, but may not be worried into being.
Robert Frost1
This week I’m talking about Chapter three in The Heart Aroused, by David Whyte.
But first…
If you haven’t met Gary Komarin, let me introduce you to him via video. Watch below and I’ll meet you on the other side.
When I’m painting, I let go of everything. I try not to be overcome by anything…You have to get over the fear of the blank canvas, and one way you do that is you mess it up.
Gary Komarin
One of the oldest responses in the book to abstract expressionism and its ilk is, “my kid could paint that.” Right? It’s meant as a slight toward the artist. I was having lunch with some friends the other day, and they were joking about getting drunk and then painting something to submit to a local art show. Their ideas were pretty funny, but the point was that that kind of art takes no skill and can be accomplished shit-faced. They’re on the right track since alcoholism is a necessary trait to be a real artist (kidding)—Faulkner, Hemingway, Pollock, etc. I tried this route, and let me tell you, nothing came of it in terms of freeing expression. It did bring an empty bank account, heartbreak, and self-loathing, though. Maybe that’s fuel for some, but it was less than inspiring for me.
I love how Komarin removes all pretense from the practice and fully embraces how he comes at it with no preconceived notions. It’s a process of discovery, risk-taking, and surprise. Like Frost said, “No surprise for the writer, no surprise for the reader.” I fully support my friends getting in there and making something in the moment. Maybe they will surprise themselves and find a lot of delight in the moment and in what they make. However, we will talk about letting go of the outcomes this week. As Whyte puts it;
Understanding the fiery moments hidden within the daily round of work, we come to understand a contradictory part of our nature—our love of creative fire, its warmth and intensity, and at the same time, our fear of being burnt.
In The Heart Aroused, Whyte reminds us of the ever-changing nature of the workplace, our work, and our attitude towards it depending on how favorable the circumstances seem to us. One day we are on top of things, energized by our coworkers, and feeling fulfilled by the validation we get from our supervisor. The next, we are ready to burn it all to the ground. We says, it’s a toxic environment, or, our coworkers don’t carry their own weight, or, our supervisor is an idiot. Maybe we believe that the expectations of upper management are unrealistic. You name it. We’ve all muttered the phrase, “This is bullshit” at one time or another. (As a self-employed person who often works alone, I am the toxic, lazy idiot).
Desire Is the Root of All Suffering
Refuge Recovery2 uses the four noble truths to remind us that many addictions have to do with controlling the moment, the future, and our feelings, by checking out and numbing. It is a self-destructive path that, at its heart, is outcome-obsessed. Hinduism has similar teachings describing the three levels of knowing, or Prakriti: Tamasic, Rajasic, and Sattvic.
Tamasic is short-sighted living, has no perspective, and cannot see the forest for the trees. What you see, what you feel, is all there is. Intoxication is often a sign of Tamasic living.
Rajasic can take all things in, but there is no unifying nature. It is classified as selfish living, striving for success, recognition, wealth, and fame. “Pleasure from the senses seems like nectar at first, but it is a bitter poison in the end.” Entitled, victim mindset, etc., are words that come to mind.
Sattvic living is where one finds freedom, and the way to finding that freedom is by letting go of the outcomes, or tyaga, which means renouncing the fruit of actions. The work may seem unpleasant, but by being diligent without selfish indignation, one finds joy in the end, even if the end is not favorable to them.3
Surrendering the outcomes means that no threads could be pulled that would cause you to unravel.
Strength comes from releasing what could be and by just being.
I would loe it if I could finally quit my job, and live the life of an artist. People can’t see how talented I am. Idiots.
Whyte asks, If I could imagine my creativity at full flow, how do I imagine or anticipate it would show itself? I always believed that the answer to that question started by not having a 9 to 5 job. Then I could spend my days making art the way I want to make it: writing music, writing the next great American novel, sitting in coffee shops while writing screenplays for Hollywood. Life on my terms. Sleep in. Drink late into the night. Be a genius.
But people didn’t get my work (this is meant to be tongue-in-cheek), so I had to keep working at my day job. What a bunch of idiots, right? The world is dumb for not seeing my genius, and my employer is dumb for expecting me to do such menial labor. Don’t they know how talented I am? (Again, tongue-in-cheek).
It’s embarrassing how true that last paragraph has been for me and how I thought for so long. No wonder I drank so much. Such desire, entitlement, and better-than-type thinking is a sure way to dry up the creative well.
Creativity requires freedom, yes? But that doesn’t mean freedom from constraint, obligation, or the unpleasant parts. Acting within rules can inspire a new way of seeing things, maybe even a more holistic one.
7 To renounce one’s responsibilities is not fitting.The wise call such deluded renunciation tamasic. 8 To avoid action from fear of difficulty or physical discomfort is rajasic. There is no reward in such renunciation. 9 But to fulfill your responsibilities knowing that they are obligatory, while at the same time desiring nothing for yourself—this is sattvic renunciation. 10 Those endowed with sattva clearly understand the meaning of renunciation and do not waver. They are not intimidated by unpleasant work, nor do they seek a job because it is pleasant.
11 As long as one has a body, one cannot renounce action altogether. True renunciation is giving up all desire for personal reward. 12 Those who are attached to personal reward will reap the consequences of their actions: some pleasant, some unpleasant, some mixed. But those who renounce every desire for personal reward go beyond the reach of karma.
The Bhagavad Gita, Chapter 18
I Want All of the Credit, and None of the Blame
We cannot have it both ways. We cannot have it one way. All we can have is what is. Whyte uses the image of fire throughout chapter 3 to describe the passion that perhaps burns within. He also notes the danger that fire presents. It is both nourishing and destructive. What matters is to keep your mind open about how it is. He cites the poem Singing Images of Fire by the Zen master name Kukei.
A hand moves, and the fire's whirling takes different shapes. ...all things change when we do. The first word, Ah, blossomed into all others. Each of them is true.
That word, Ah, as Whyte states, can be the Ah! of creative revelation or the Agh! of being stuck in traffic on the way to work. Both will be true. Greek philosophy, especially in Stoicism, would say the way to approach both circumstances is without judgment, which is the way to achieve Ataraxia, or peace, equanimity, “beyond the reach of karma.”
I’m Writing A Novel
I’m not writing a novel. Well, that isn’t totally true. I have 30,000 words about a disenfranchised pastor joining a cult centered around flat-earth conspiracy theories, etc. Bored yet?
I bring up writing, though, because some of the most common advice when writing is to shut off your internal editor. To tap into the creative subconscious, you must suspend judgment and let it flow. Don’t think of the outcomes; release contrivance. Experience both Ah! and Agh!
He uses lines from Neruda’s poem, La Poesia, that say:
and I went my own way, deciphering that burning fire.
A sense of curiosity, patience, and open-mindedness must be present to decipher anything. I’m not suggesting reading tea leaves, but again, living amid mystery in the state of ataraxia. This sattvic approach sees the whole outside of yourself, outside of your own desires or your own preconceived notions based on the lens you were raised with or was instilled in you. This can be extremely difficult, as most of us are more comfortable with what we know, or as Whyte describes it, with “the devil we know.”
Universe Inside
We shake with joy, we shake with grief.
What a time they have, these two
housed as they are in the same body.
Mary OliverI have experienced deep levels of grief. The cosmic shifts that happen after a tragic loss, relationships being torn apart, and feeling like a pariah have felt world-ending. Loneliness, depression, and guilt felt like heavy weights pulling me to the ocean floor. My thoughts often spun as I tried to talk myself out of the feelings. I did not want to face the unpleasantness of my reality. I’d seek comfort wherever I could find it, but the feelings were still there in the end.
Then came another shift.
In recovery, one of the things that we say is, “don’t make up the future.” This simple way of viewing my life, the world around me, and my situation, felt like the ultimate release.
Inside of me is the greatest of joys and the greatest of sorrows, which is beautiful. All things are possible. What matters is accepting the now just as it is. If you can do this, no thread can be pulled that will cause you to unravel. Trust me. Accept your faults, own them, and live in the light; people can come after you all they want. They can shout your mistakes from the rooftops, and you can say, “Yep, what else do you want to know?” They will likely fall off of the roof. Then, you can help dust them off because you are a compassionate, equanimous, ataraxic superhero. That’s living for the whole, you sattvic beauty you.
Oy, Get Off Of Your Soapbox
All possibilities are in you, and your vision and perspective is unique to you. So, please, start that poem that you don’t know the ending to. Fill up the Word document with the next Great American Novel. Sing the song that no one will here. Draw all over the canvas, then color over that. Take a risk. Without judgment.
And…
Clean the dirty microwave that your coworker warmed up brussel sprouts in. Make the cold calls to the potential clients who might hang up on you. Pay the bills when you’d rather go out to eat. Show up on time. Work with that annoying coworker who still smells like brussel sprouts. Let someone boss you around that you can’t get anything from (a raise, validation, etc.). Have your work critiqued even if you think you’re doing a great job. Accept it all without judgment.
You are a beautiful creature, and your successes, failures, achievements, and shortcomings cannot change that. All of those things are within you. It isn’t bad. It isn’t good. It simply is.
Let go of the outcomes.
Italics are my own.
Refuge Recovery is a method of recovery similar to the 12-step tradition, but they utilize tenets of Buddhism.